New Beginnings...again

New beginnings...new steps...more steps...different directions. So many different things to make your mind spin. Truly, it's dizzying.

To paraphrase:

Into the freedom of wind and sunshineI let you go Into the dance of the stars and the planets I let you go Into the wind’s breath and the hands of the star makerI let you go 

This is my intention. My past life, my past self, I am letting it go. Of course, there are certain things which I will carry forward. My family, my friends, my experiences and history. These are the things I'm taking forward. 

What will this new beginning look like, you ask? Honestly, I'm not 100% sure. There are certain things I've done which I'll discuss in a moment and other things that I have in the works but am not fully certain about yet.

Just like Joan Anderson in "A Year by the Sea" I cracked under the pressure of the weight of carrying my life. The load was heavy and it wasn't shared in the way I needed. After years of fixing the cracks with bandage solutions I found myself unable to function anymore. Literally. And the only way I could even begin to heal was to leave. Now, before I have people jumping down my throat I have to say that my children are all adults. There's "desertion" and then there's DESERTION. Besides which I really had no choice. Staying meant suicide. Is that harsh? It's the truth. 

I tried to come back a few times. Didn't work. Within a day or two my fragile self would crumble and return to my previous state. Being at home wasn't working. 

Now I'm renting a room from my aunt. The children have all moved out. My husband says he is going to sell the house. There are so many bad memories associated to it for me that I could never return to live there, no matter what he decides to do. 

I need to establish my own true self, my identity. I need to establish a pattern of CHOOSING my life rather than letting it be chosen for me or just happening TO me. 

Baby steps...new steps....new beginnings. 

That's how it works.

Much love

C xo